Back to School, routines and boundaries.
Never has a new school year been discussed so much.
I’m sure there are many articles, opinions and discussions out there which will be influencing your thoughts and feelings, they do mine.
To take care of myself, I am reading only trusted sources, official advice and guidelines. Mostly I have placed my trust in my son’s school, because they have not let me down before. I am sure that school staff have had a challenging summer, and spent much of it planning to ensure they meet the guidelines and prepare schools for bubbles, social distancing and safe learning. Establishing new routines and boundaries will be top of the agenda for the first few weeks.
Communication from my son’s school has resumed on a daily basis this past week, for which I am thankful. ‘Chunking’ is a term used in education for when text is broken down into more manageable pieces. School leaders have kindly ‘chunked’ information for parents so we can process it more easily, and probably to support us in not having a monumental meltdown.
This week my back to school routine has kicked in, uniform and shoes, stationery and pencil case, haircut and ………….. hankies and hand sanitiser? Not forgetting the face masks too.
As a family we all recognise we do better when we have routines and boundaries in place. They adapted and shifted to make lockdown work for us. Then we have had summer holidays where they are very much relaxed. In the last week of the holidays I always feel ready for a return to the structure of family life when we are all at work and school, the routines that make it easier to function at my best. I am the driver of the routines in my home, the menfolk are generally accepting and recognise they will do better also to follow them, fights are fewer and farther between nowadays. That doesn’t mean that I have forgotten the early years, the tantrums, the pushing of boundaries, the challenges of the clocks changing and the bedtime bedlam. Establishing routines can be a challenge, but the effort pays off.
In my experience of supporting children and young people in schools, they do better when they have routines and boundaries. It gives them a feeling of safety, of security. A predictable environment allows them to focus, learn and thrive.
Routines
Routines are how families organise themselves to get things done, every family has their own unique routines. They help family members know who is doing what, when, how often and in what order.
Some family routines you might recognise include
daily routines for work and school mornings, bath time, bedtime, mealtimes
weekly routines for housework, like washing and cleaning
other routines involving socialising, hobbies, sports and outings
Family life is often smoother with a few routines, but there’s more to routines than this.
Routines also let your children know what’s important to your family. For example, really special routines are sometimes called rituals and create shared memories, build family relationships and strengthen bonds.These can help grow your shared beliefs and values, and create that sense of belonging and togetherness that makes a family. Some examples of rituals can include takeaways and a film on Friday nights, a Sunday roast, a special song you sing in the car together. Sharing the best, and worst, part of your day before bedtime.
Lockdown rituals seemed to have extra value, the 2pm daily walk, the family quiz on Zoom each Saturday night, the 11am brunch(as I made it clear from day 1 that I would be providing 2 meals a day and not a 5 star all inclusive holiday experience). They made me feel more secure in an uncertain time, and I am sure each family will have had versions of their own lockdown rituals.
Even if it is ‘organised chaos’, the main thing is that it is familiar to you and yours.
Rules and Boundaries
Whenever rules or boundaries are challenged in our home lately, we explain that the rule is set because we care, because it is important to us to be good parents, because he matters to us, because we love him. All of these statements are true, and also he finds it difficult to argue with any of them. Our limits are firm and consistent, and have been for a long time.
Families choose to set rules according to their values and beliefs,
manners - for example, ‘we wait until others have finished talking before we talk, or we can say excuse me and wait’
daily routines - for example, ‘Clear your plates when everyone has finished eating’.
safety - for example, ‘Stop, look and listen before we cross the road’.
respect - for example ‘ask if you want to borrow something’
physical behaviour - ‘Be gentle with each other’
repairing relationships - ‘When you feel calm, then let’s talk about what happened, and make it right’
Children learn that rules are a part of life, that if they follow them then there are rewards, if not then there are consequences.
When your child challenges routines and boundaries
Over the years spent working with children and young people and supporting positive behaviours, many strategies have become embedded in the language I use, not only at work but also at home. I would like to share some of my ‘go to’ simple behaviour strategies to respond to your child and hope that they are helpful.
Use positive, direct language
Listen to yourself, how often do you say
don’t
no
not now
you need to
and do you say please?
Always say what you want to see, and say thank you, it gives an expectation that your child will comply.
Instead of “Don’t climb on there please, you will break it” say “Feet on the floor, thank you”. Just that, and repeat if necessary, like a broken record!
Use ‘When and Then’
Instead of “No you can’t have a biscuit, it’s nearly tea time, I’m cooking it now, it will be ten minutes, you’ve had too many sweets today” say “When you have eaten your tea, then you can have a biscuit” and again, repeat, in the same calm, firm tone.
Use PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy)
Use questioning rather than a direction, “What comes after bathtime and storytime?” and praise when they tell you the next step of your routine, or use humour if they try to suggest something inappropriate.
Validate whatever it is they express, whether in words or body language, “You look / sound tired, I know you don’t want to come in, it is bathtime, when you have had your bath then we can cuddle up and watch CBeebies”.
I wonder why you don’t want to do your reading tonight, you read so well last night?
Use scripts that you have rehearsed to issue warnings
Scripts are words that have been carefully put together when you feel calm and collected. Compose them, memorise them and deliver them. The alternative to a script is that you find yourself surprised and speechless that they have dared to get out of bed for the 15th time and ask for a drink of water, and then threaten to take away their scooter for 2 weeks.
Examples
You've asked your child to do a job such as clearing the table and they respond with anger.
"Every day clearing the table is your job, so there's no need to argue. You're not in trouble, this is not a punishment, this is simply your job. My job is to teach you how to be an adult one day. So I will do my job (teaching you) and you will do your job (saying, yes Mum) Thank you.”
Your child starts to shout or cry because you won’t give them what they want.
“I will not change my mind if you cry or shout at me. Crying or shouting will not work, it will only make you feel sad. Go and calm down on your own or give me a hug now if you are ready”.
Answering back, defiance.
“If you choose to talk to me like that then you can spend some quiet time in your room. Talking to me like that will not get you what you want, in this house we use kind words. Come and tell me when you are ready”.
If they continue to argue then remember the broken record, “Go to your room, thank you” and if needed “I am trying hard to stay calm, but I am starting to feel angry and I need some time on my own to get back to feeling calm”. Labelling your own feelings and modelling your own regulation tools is always helpful.
Before long, as soon as you begin your script children recognise them and comply. Again, stick to the script and do not enter into an escalation trap, stay one step ahead!
Use your words
Whingeing, crying, shouting, shut down, in any of these situations then ‘Use your words’ is my go to.
Examples
“Use your words to tell me what you want”
“I can’t understand you when you are crying, calm down and use your words”.
“I want to help you, but I don’t understand what you need, use your words”
Quick links to quick, useful reads
NCT parenting styles and approaches