Back to school, and separation anxiety.
Next week my son will go back to school, after 5 months or so of being at home.
Next week I will go back to work, I work term time only in my role in The Emotional Wellbeing and Behaviour Service. I have also been working from home since lockdown.
My son is looking forward to seeing his friends, communication from his school has been excellent throughout so he has a good idea of what his return will look like. They have a plan in place to welcome pupils back into school as individual year groups. He will be in school for one day only on the first week back, with only one other year group. The focus will be on navigating their new Covid-19 secure school environment, rebuilding their relationships within their forms and with form tutors as well as checking in on their wellbeing. As a parent, I could not be happier with their approach and careful transition planning.
I am looking forward to returning to work, by the last week I always feel ready. This year for me brings some uncertainty, our ways of working will continue to be reviewed and changed according to Government guidelines. There are the inevitable changes within the Service that come with working within any Local Authority. My relationships within my team are positive and strong, as are my relationships with the school partnerships I work within. Interestingly I have maintained contact with my colleagues far more than usual over the summer break, lockdown seems to have strengthened us as a team even further. I think we all know that this Autumn Term will be challenging in many ways. The uncertainty of Covid-19 and the level of need for support for children and young people who have been impacted by it over the past 6 months. There is also the support for parents, carers, school staff and the various agencies we work hand in hand with, all key workers.
We will get through this.
How are you feeling as a parent? How is your child feeling about their return to school? Does your child experience separation anxiety, either pre lockdown, or possibly post lockdown?
Here are some specific resources and strategies for you that I have found useful over the years, as well as some Covid-19 specific resources from trusted sources.
Does your child’s behaviour escalate before going to school, returning from school at the end of the day or at any point when you are going to be away from them? Their behaviours may be communicating the anxiety they experience around separation from you.
Be curious, “I’ve noticed in the mornings before school this happens, why do you think this is?”
Explore their feelings with them, label them for them. “It sounds like you feel worried, or anxious, what do you think you might be worried about?”
Common unhelpful thoughts for children who experience separation anxiety include,
Something might happen to them when I am gone.
My Mum/Dad might get ill when I am gone.
They might die.
They won’t come back.
Something good or bad might happen when I am gone.
I am not in control.
What if they….
forget me.
leave for good.
forget to pick me up.
How do I know they will pick me up?
What am I missing at home?
What are they doing at home without me?
Will they miss me?
Don’t they like me anymore?
Don’t they want to be with me?
I don’t feel safe.
They might stop loving me.
Plan practical strategies with them, ideas include
Explain how it is normal to feel anxious and the reasons we all experience anxiety sometimes.
Describe the difference between unhelpful thoughts and helpful thoughts. Avoid labelling thoughts as negative or bad, these thoughts are human and normal. A child can easily confuse that they are the negative or bad element.
Listen to your child and validate their feelings so as to de-escalate in a calm manner without judgement. Never belittle their feelings. e.g. “You sound worried”, “I can hear how sad you feel when I go”.
Be kind but firm, maintain your limits and boundaries. “You go to school to learn, I will be doing X”.
Give something the child can keep with them of yours for during the school day. Make sure that school are aware of your concerns and the strategy you are using if this is the case. If school are unaware the object may be confiscated and this can further escalate anxieties and behaviours.
Read story books such as The Invisible String, Patrice Karst or The Kissing Hand, Audrey Penn. These stories are also available to watch on Youtube for free. Play with the ideas and themes of these stories, e.g. take a piece of string and encourage your child to play with you, feel the tugs on the string and send messages to your child along it to embed the idea in their imaginations.
Try to encourage your child to challenge unhelpful thoughts safely. What evidence is there? Is this likely or unlikely to happen? Use ‘The Size of the Problem’ theory. You can make this visual for your child according to their special interests, e.g. is this a golf ball size problem, or a tennis ball / football / beachball etc.
Focus on positive separation with you and your child. How well they coped. What exciting things they did whilst you were away. How it felt to be reunited again. They did it then and they can do it now. (Growth mindset)
Don’t mind the blips, sometimes there will be progress and something might make them go backwards for a day or two. That is ok!
Give your child lots of time and patience, actively listen.
Agree a goodbye routine with your child. Reinforce how you will be returning to collect them and when that will be eg. after they collect their coat and bag at the end of the school day.
Use a consistent approach of attentive goodbyes and happy reunions.
Stick to what they are supposed to be doing eg. going to school, going to bed.
Reassure using positive language such as ‘you are going to be fine, everyone feels a little nervous sometimes’. ‘It’s ok to try new things’, ‘You will have a good time’.
Be consistent at all times.
Talking about their day, what will be happening, what will you be doing while you are away from them?
How they can still feel connected to you, a love heart drawn inside your wrists? A post it note in their lunchbox? A handkerchief in their school bag with your scent on? Give them ideas, but allow them control over which strategies they think will work best for them.
Plan a quick goodbye ritual, a wave from a certain place, a special kiss or hug. Or try passing an object from one to another, like a baton in a relay.
Often children can be reluctant to separate at the start of their school day. Once they are in school they can be adept at masking their anxieties so that school staff are unaware. All the pent up feelings and behaviours can explode as soon as you present at the school gate. Sound familiar?
Use de-escalation strategies for challenging behaviours
Use the PACE approach, be playful, accepting, curious, empathetic.
If travelling in a car, a weighted blanket or toy can be helpful, giving sensory input to alleviate anxieties, a substitute hug while you are driving.
Give your child a snack when they leave school, tired and hungry = hangry
If disengaged from you, allow some down time, if they seek attention, plan for 10 or 15 minutes where you can give your full attention e.g. a turn taking game, before attending to all the other things on the long list of parent duties.
It can be challenging, it can be exhausting, but if we struggle as emotionally literate and self aware adults, ask yourself how does that feel as a young child without those coping skills and strategies for life?
Reading and resources
Help Guide - Separation Anxiety
The Invisible String, read by Patrice Karst
Anna Freud NCCF Mentally Healthy Schools
Children's Commissioner Going Back To School Guide
TouchBase Guide for Parents, School Staff and Children
Mental Health Foundation - Preparing your child to return to school