Grief and loss, no rights, no wrongs
When I think of my experiences of grief I think first of the death of loved ones. I also think of the end of a marriage, the loss of once meaningful friendships. I think of times of unexpected or forced change that have led me to experience grief. I think of times where I have let go of essential parts of myself or my perceived identity, getting married, becoming a mother, giving up a particular career path, being diagnosed with lifelong autoimmune conditions. All of these life changes led me to experience a form of grief, of varying intensity and duration.
Grief is defined as a complex emotion. This means it can vary hugely from person to person, different cultures and different situations may affect how we experience grief.
I have supported children and young people with feelings of grief and loss when they have had a bereavement, a diagnosis of a parent, divorce, suicide of a peer, significant transitions such as moving schools, leaving behind significant friendships. There have been many different situations, no one ever the same.
I learned much from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I like the scaffold that she creates in her five stages theory. I can create visual resources and structure this overwhelming emotion of grief for young people, we can break it down, which appears to help them to understand their feelings and behaviours. It is a phrase I use a lot in my work, ‘Let’s break it down’ when feelings are overwhelming, when I ask a young person, what’s wrong and they respond “EVERYTHING”. I will typically reply “Let’s break it down”.
This article Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: The rise and fall of the five stages of grief, written by Lucy Burns and published by the BBC is an excellent read on a female pioneer in the field of psychiatry and palliative care. Again Kubler-Ross in 2020, 16 years after her own death, has opened up a conversation around grief that she set out to do originally in the 1950s. I think it is well worth a read.
Covid-19 has brought to us a daily death toll, a change in how we live, created physical distance from our own family, friends and neighbours. Job losses, closures for our businesses, holidays cancelled, weddings postponed, births and funerals unable to be shared with our support networks of family and friends. We have all been touched by grief in some form in 2020.
Denial
Denial, shock, numbness, all help to survive in the initial stages of grief, they keep you putting one foot in front of the other, following normal routines, completing mundane everyday tasks, eat, sleep, repeat. It is described by David Kessler as “nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle”. Denial is a coping mechanism. As we move through denial we then begin the process of healing, allowing ourselves to feel the loss, when we can cope with the pain.
“They just need time, or space, they will want to make this work.”
“This is a mistake, they will contact me and tell me they do need me.”
“They are not gone, they will walk through my door any time now.”
“This isn’t happening to me, there must be some mistake.”
Anger
Anger is no stranger, we know anger each and every one of us and it is a comfortable mask to slip on when we are overwhelmed by the complex emotions brought about by grief. We can direct anger, we can use anger’s energy and we can hide feelings we understand less behind anger. Not everyone will experience this stage, there may be a delay before anger arrives and for some anger, bitterness and resentment can stay a long time. I remember after my marriage broke down some of my closest family members asking me, “Why are you not angry, I don’t understand why you are not angry?” When the anger came years later and I took time to understand it, I knew that at that time I was protecting myself and my child from it’s force, I did not want his early years to be marred by my anger, so I suppressed it, denied it and it arrived in full force after my diagnosis of Coeliac disease. I was never that angry at the thought of never tasting another doughnut, but with the support of my partner, my son, family, friends and a very good therapist I managed both the anger of a diagnosis and the anger over the behaviours of someone I once loved and trusted.
“It’s not fair”.
“I hate them for what they have done to me, they will regret this one day”.
“They are incompetent, they will fail without me”.
“How could God let this happen, there is no God”.
Bargaining
To feel we have no control is frightening and frustrating, when we experience complex emotions such as grief then it can make us feel vulnerable, helpless, weak, or confused. Bargaining is a way of seeking some control, protecting ourselves and a defence against grief. We create ‘What if’ scenarios and ‘If only’ beliefs, often in our own thoughts as bargaining is typically unspoken. Bargaining is a way of trying to change the narrative, trying to create a reality where you have not lost the person you loved, the life you loved, the job you loved or the self you loved. At this time it is common to have what I call unhelpful thoughts, I prefer to think of them as unhelpful rather than negative, to imply that they are bad or wrong would mean that they weren’t natural, which is untrue. We all have unhelpful thoughts at times in our life, and during grief it is understandable that our minds want to explore alternative outcomes, where we could be spared the feelings of grief.
“If we could just give it one more try, I will never lie to them again”.
“If they had set off five minutes later, things would have been different”.
“If I could have more time with them, I would do anything”.
“Please God, if you make them better I will be a better person”.
Depression
This form of depression is a natural response to loss, an intense sadness that is not in any way like the clinical form of depression. In this stage then we move past the denial, anger and bargaining to a more quiet realisation that our lives are forever changed. With this comes sadness and longing, and to experience these feelings is a natural response to loss, give yourself permission to feel this way. Try and see this as an important stage, not something to be fearful of, but a stage where you are coming to terms with the loss or change in your life. There is no shame in experiencing this sadness, it is reasonable and part of the process. If we postpone it, we may become stuck in denial, anger or bargaining.
“What is the point of going on?”
“What am I without them?”
“My life is over”.
“I can never move on”.
Acceptance
Acceptance is never as simple as being okay again. It is not a stage where we reach happiness, move on, replace or forget. When we reach acceptance then we have simply learned to live with our loss, with the changes brought about in our lives. It means there will be more good days than bad days and that we find a way to live in the present. It does not mean that we have forgotten, that we don’t love as much or that we have moved on. Acceptance is a way of understanding, evolving and meeting our needs to have healthy lifestyles and relationships.
“As it turns out, this is healthier for me in the long run”.
“I can make a choice, I can start a new path”.
“I am grateful that I experienced a love like that, I have so many memories and no regrets”.
“I will never forget them, but I can think of them and smile now”.
David Kessler worked with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and they co-wrote theories on grief, he states that ‘the stages were never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages’. He writes about common misconceptions that people have on The Five Stages theory.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
Loss is a fact of life, and so are the reactions that follow, but the grief that accompanies significant loss is frequently misunderstood. Here are some of the more commonly held myths and misconceptions about grief, along with the facts to dispel them:
MISCONCEPTION #1 “The Five Stages of Grief™️ are linear and must happen one right after another.”
Not True.– The same way grief is unique as our fingerprint, how the stages will occur in someone’s life is also unique to them.
MISCONCEPTION #2 “You must go through all of the five stages.”
Not True.– Some people never go through the anger stage. Some people are never in denial. Some never find acceptance.
MISCONCEPTION #3 “The five stages only occur once.”
Not True.– We often go through stages multiple times. We may experience them when a diagnosis happens and then again when the prognosis turns bad. Again, when a love one dies and many times over again in grief.
MISCONCEPTION #4 “We must follow the five stages.”
Not True.– The stages reflect where we are. What makes what Kübler-Ross did so amazing and stand the test of time is – she didn’t create something, rather she identified something that naturally occurs in our behaviour after loss and change.
MISCONCEPTION #5 “You must have exactly one of those emotions in the five stages.”
Not True.– The stages are general emotions that contain many other emotions. For example, Denial also contains shock. Anger contains rage, bitterness, and annoyance. Bargaining is the “if only’s” and the “what-if’s.” Depression contains sadness, despair, emptiness and yearning. Acceptance just means you acknowledge the reality of the loss. It does not mean you’re okay with it or you like it.
David Kessler gives some clear advice on how to best support someone experiencing grief and loss., and what might be said with the best of intentions, but may not be helpful.
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favourite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
David Kessler also describes the best and worst traits of people who want to help, but who don’t always know what the best way to help sounds like or looks like.
The Best Traits
Supportive, but not trying to fix it
About feelings
Non active, not telling anyone what to do
Admitting can’t make it better
Not asking for something or someone to change feelings
Recognise loss
Not time limited
The Worst Traits
They want to fix the loss
They are about our discomfort
They are directive in nature
They rationalise or try to explain loss
They may be judgmental
May minimise the loss
Put a timeline on loss