Do you want a fight?
A conversation I had recently with a friend inspired this blog post. We were talking about our shared love of living in tiny houses, lower maintenance, less time cleaning and more time having fun. Being able to have conversations from room to room because they are close enough and feeling connected. One of the things I like most about it is that conflicts need to be resolved to restore peace at home, otherwise our dogs get very upset.
I was a single parent for seven years. When I met my partner, and he later moved in to our family home, we discovered that ‘microwaveable families’ don’t exist. It took time for each of us to create this, our family. To build trusting relationships, security, love, open communication and a lot of conflict resolution practice. We worked hard on consistent routines and boundaries, adopting different family rituals, learning how to co-parent. It was all new and it was a bumpy ride. The security we have now comes from the deepening and strengthening of our relationships after each angry outburst, argument, meltdown and sulk has been resolved.
We created family mottos, or scripts. We learned to model what being calm looks like. We labelled our feelings, supported regulation by not entering into or pursuing conflict and giving each other the time and space needed to find calm.
‘When we make a mistake we make it right’
‘When you are calm then we will talk about it’.
‘I need time to get calm before we talk about this’.
‘I love you, but I don’t like the way you are behaving’.
‘When you do this, it makes me feel like this’.
‘I’m sorry’.
‘It’s done, we can move on now’.
This did not only apply to the child in our home. We still use these strategies now, but need them so much less often. We have also, I hope, created the tools for our child to use in his adult relationships.
Whether you live in a small space, or a large one, conflicts between parents and child can present challenges, upset the balance of family life and quickly become a negative cycle.
Our role as parents is to teach our children conflict resolution, for our own family relationships and for their future personal relationships.
How do you resolve conflict in your home?
Conflict at home and within our closest relationships is normal and healthy. There are different types of conflict between parent and child and we can categorise them.
Inevitable conflict
We cannot focus on our children’s needs all of the time. There will be times when you are busy, preoccupied, miss their verbal or non verbal cues, show impatience or overreact. Recent experiences of working from home while your child is distance learning from school may have heightened this inevitable conflict. In these times it is important to show your child that they are understood and re-establish the connection.
“You sound cross, sorry, I was distracted, I can listen to you now”.
Boundary conflict
We try to create structure for our children, set limits according to our values and beliefs, and quite often from what we have learnt from our own parents. Children and young people will test the limits that we set as part of their development. To keep the emotional connection, whilst being consistent with your boundaries, it helps to identify your child’s emotional state. You can empathise, without giving in to what they want. You can reflect so that they know you have heard what they need or want, without giving it to them.
“I know you’re hungry, you can have a piece of fruit now, and when you eat all of your tea then you can have a treat”.
“I get that you want to stay out with your friends for longer, and that you feel you are missing out, but our rule is that you come in at 8pm.”
Intense conflict
Heightened emotions, shouting, crying, name calling, aggression, violent behaviour. This type of conflict can start from early years, and if you and your child can’t learn how to manage it, continue into teens and adulthood. It is easy to pick up a toddler and put them under your arm, walking away from a situation, but then what? We all know we can’t do that with a teen. Typically this form of conflict occurs when both adult and child lose control over their emotions, lose their ‘thinking, rational brain’.
It is distressing for both child and parent, with feelings of helplessness, inadequacy or even incompetence for the parent, and shame and disconnection from the main caregiver for the child.
This form of conflict is often complicated by shame. If you are interested in what Brene Brown (my goto expert on guilt and shame) describes as a ‘full contact emotion’ she has produced a very interesting podcast. Unlocking Us - Brene Brown
De-escalation strategies
Check in with yourself, always the first step in your response. Am I calm? What am I feeling right now? And then……
When I refer to the ‘thinking brain’ I am talking about the cerebral cortex. I don’t have a scientific brain, so I find it easier to understand this theory using Dan Siegel’s Hand Model of the Brain. It simplifies it, and this video makes it visual to help both adults and children understand what is happening for us in our brains. As adults, we need to keep our thinking brain online before we deal with conflict.
Perceptions
Adults tend to understand that there are different ways to perceive the world. We are able to consider other people’s perceptions and conclude that whilst we feel we are right in our opinion, others have a different opinion that is also correct.
Stress can influence our perceptions, particularly in a problem situation. Adults are able to listen to alternative viewpoints and challenge their own, perhaps even reconsidering their original view of a problem.
Children and young people can have a much more difficult time accepting alternate points of view. While adults can become more flexible in times of stress, children are likely to become more concrete in their views.
As parents and carers, teachers and supporters of children and young people, we might view their reaction as being stubborn, lacking empathy or black and white thinking when they cannot accept an alternative perception. This can trigger a reaction, and both adult and child are then in a hostile dance. Believe me, there are no winners in this situation.
When your child is struggling to regulate
Remember the four Rs
Step 1 - Regulate
The thinking brain is ‘offline’, first we need to calm the fight- flight - freeze responses.
Acknowledge how they feel, recognise it.
“You sound angry", are you angry with me?”
Nobody is wrong for having feelings, we all have a right to feelings.
“When I get angry it helps if I am on my own for a few minutes, maybe you could try?”
Validate until THEY feel validated and you can see the release that they have been heard, a sigh, a sign of the body relaxing, tension leaving arms, fists uncurling.
Step 2 - Relate
Find your connection
Help to explore the options for your child, “I want to help you feel calm now, what is the best way for you to calm down?”
“ Where can you go to calm down?”
“ I can leave you on your own, or I can sit with you quietly, you choose”.
Step 3 - Reason
Language of choice is about giving the child some control over the outcomes but, as an adult, being in charge of the process and the structure within which you work.
What are the choices? The rule is we don’t eat food in our bedrooms, you can eat at the table in the kitchen, or at the dining table. You choose.
Step 4 - Repair
Pick your moment, ask yourself are you emotionally in the right place to repair? It is the adult’s job to initiate repair, timing is everything. You will know best how much time you and your child need to be able to discuss the conflict in a calm way that will not cause an escalation. I often used the car, when we were sitting side by side or walking, it’s easier than face to face often for children.
“Lets walk and talk.”
Resist the urge to blame, own your own behaviour and emotions, they belong to you, model this for your child. By appropriately managing and expressing your emotions then you are communicating to your child that this can be done. If you conceal or dismiss your own emotions, you are teaching them this also. By taking the lead, you give the child permission to follow.
“When we were fighting last night, I was angry and said things I did not mean. I’m sorry, this is what happens when I lose control. I would like to talk about it and make things right.”
Encourage them to express how the experience of conflict felt for them. Do not judge or challenge, listen and paraphrase. Do not defend yourself or your actions. Use every conflict as a learning opportunity for you and your child and make it a positive.
Beware the escalation trap!
The escalation trap can work two ways.
The child can escalate. Perhaps they want something, they ask and you say no, they continue to whinge and wine, or keep asking more and more aggressively until you give in, just for the peace.
What the child learns from this is if they kick off, throw a tantrum, persist, then you will eventually give in to their demands.
The second way is the adult escalates. Perhaps you want them to clear away their toys while you are in the kitchen cooking tea. You might say ‘okay, tidy up time’ and they continue to watch television. You leave it for a few minutes and then come back, raising your voice this time. They acknowledge you, ok, but continue to watch television without moving. Five minutes later and they still have not tidied up as you asked and you come in shouting, cross that they have ignored you all this time. The child learns from this, that they do not have to follow the first instruction until you are shouting.
Avoiding escalation traps means remaining calm, not entering into their response. When you say no, you mean no, and their behaviour will not change your mind. When they accept your decision then praise the choice they make, “I like it when you listen to me”.
When you make a request or give an instruction say their name and seek eye contact, if the child ignores you, remain calm. You can pause the television or stand between them and ask them to listen calmly. Repeat the request with a limit and a consequence, “Tidy away your toys thank you. If the toys are not away by tea time then you will lose ten minutes of screen time after tea.” Always stick with the limit you have set and follow through with the consequence if they don’t comply. Praise them when they do follow an instruction, first or second time of asking.