Self-Care is not selfish
This blog is for parents, carers and professionals who support children and young people. It is also for keyworkers, people who are unable to work in the current restrictions, people who are finding new ways of living and working. This is for humans, self-care is a basic human need that we can choose to meet, or not.
I often talk to children about ‘being kind’ to themselves. When a child has experienced trauma, when they are anxious or when they are stuck in a negative cycle of unhelpful thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Sometimes when children have low self esteem, lack confidence or feel that they are failing every day, then they might struggle to accept praise, kind words and they can be their own greatest critics.
When our children and young people experience stress, then often the adults around them experience stress. Whether it is through worry, anxiety, challenging behaviours or the empathy you have with them.
Many years ago, when I was a lone parent, I was given the greatest piece of parenting advice ever. A friend told me simply to take care of myself first. That if I take care of myself, then I could be there to take care of my child. As a natural carer, someone who has a tendency to put others before myself, I still have to challenge myself sometimes on this, but it makes absolute sense. I know through experience, when I am physically and mentally well, then family, friends, colleagues and young people get the very best of me. When I am struggling, then I am less able to support those who rely upon me.
Self-care, I have struggled with this label, I am not sure why, maybe it is not something my generation talked about openly, or maybe it comes attached with guilt? That’s my issue, not yours.
Call it what you want, treats to self, pampering, me-time, looking after yourself, being good to ourselves, spoiling ourselves, self-preservation society?
You will find self-care defined in the Oxford Dictionary.
You can also find a definition given by the World Health organisation (WHO)
What is self-care?
Self-care can be any activity that we choose, a deliberate act, something that we actively engage in to
take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. That sounds simple, but how often do we build those activities into our day? Self-care is known to improve mood, reduce anxiety, build self esteem and maintain positive relationships.
Self-care is something we want to do, love to do, choose to do. It is being self-aware, knowing what makes us feel energised, what fills our cup.
What isn’t self-care?
Self-care is not something we force ourselves to do. It is not something we tell ourselves we should do, we must do, we are bad if we don’t do. Self-care is not selfish, it is not only considering your own needs. It is not doing something that depletes us, exhausts us or empties our cup.
Rules for self-care
Use positive self-talk, I want to do this, not I should do this.
Start with simple things, for me it can be as simple as choosing to get up 30 minutes before everyone else in the house so I can have a cup of tea, and ease gently into my day.
Actively plan self-care, it is not something that happens by chance, protect that time and make it your own.
Be aware that what you are doing is for you, notice how it makes you feel and what the benefits are to you. In other words, be mindful.
Suggestions for self-care
Practice saying no to things you resent or no longer want to do, for example having a cut off time for answering texts or emails at night. Mine is 9pm, then my phone is on silent, I will not check messages after this, if it is an emergency they will ring my landline.
Eat well, be aware of what foods make you feel good, and those that don’t.
Sleep well, you know what amount of sleep you function best on, how can you protect that time for yourself? Review your sleep routines, wind down, put aside your worries. If this is difficult for you to do, for those who experience anxiety, make a list of what is in your thoughts, get it out of your head and onto paper. Ask yourself, can I do anything about this, or resolve this right here, right now? If the answer is no then it can wait until the next day and you can review your list in the morning.
Exercise is proven to benefit our physical and mental health, fact. Avoid comparisons with others, they may be running marathons, but that is their choice of self care. If it doesn’t meet your needs then it’s just not your thing. Find your thing.
Consider what makes you feel relaxed, reading, watching films, creating something, growing something, it doesn’t matter what it is as long as you are feeling good when you make time for yourself to do it.
Practice relaxation exercises, meditation or mindfulness. If you have never done any of these things before it can be as simple as pressing pause on what you are doing. Press pause, ask yourself to stop and notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. This is a way of grounding yourself instantly, feeling present in the right here, right now. Being just in that moment can be a calming strategy and you can build on this.
Spend time with people you love, just talking, listening, or being together and noticing the ease of being in a room with someone you love and care for without the need for conversation or interaction.
Laugh out loud, laugh at yourself, laugh at life.
As we head towards a difficult Winter, whilst we live in these times, I have had to review my self-care plan. There are things that I would normally do that I know I will be unable to access this year due to Covid-19 restrictions.
I would usually play indoor cricket once a week with other women and girls, I love being part of a team and when I started playing cricket five years ago it made a huge difference to my wellbeing, both physical and mental. Now I swim in open water, because it is free, near to me and the relationships I have found with like minded souls are supportive and positive. Swimming may be an individual sport, but I feel like part of a team as I face the elements with others on an October evening just before sunset.
In lockdown I spent as much time as I could outdoors, the weather was beautiful and gardening became my therapy. This will need to be replaced as dark days draw in. But my dogs will be with me as I choose to wrap up warm and face the elements, knowing I will feel better for it.
I checked in with family and friends at regular times and found ways to have fun using technology. The family quiz may have run its course, but then we can be creative in finding other ways to play together via video calls.
A 30 day daft music activity on Facebook, became a 90 day long morning chat and check in with friends, conversations brought up new music, long lost and loved songs. Every morning check in went on to inspire my kitchen disco at coffee time on my break from work. My family may not have appreciated the 80s and 90s tunes that dominated it, but they appreciated my good mood when I came out of that kitchen. My friends know who they are and how much those connections meant for me.
Making time to sit down with a cup of tea at 16.30pm every week day to read the email from the Head Teacher at my son’s school. He may not ever know the impact of his emails, but they were a source not only of information, but comfort and reassurance. I know I am not alone in thinking this.
I am going to continue to make positive choices, think of the things that I can do, not the things that I cannot. I will re-evaluate my self-care plan and put it into practice, because I know it works, and I know my family, friends and those who rely on me for support will benefit from it. I also know that by choosing self-care, I am choosing not to be selfish.
Reading and resources - Self-care for adults, children and young people
Mind - Introduction to self-care
Reachout.com - Teachers - developing a self-care plan