Happiness is…… not a default setting
Did you know that October is Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month?
How many parents say, “I just want them to be happy” when talking about their children?
I have never once said, “I just want him to grow up to be emotionally intelligent’. But that is actually the key to a healthier and more successful life, which is what I really want for any child.
Emotional Intelligence, or EQ (think IQ) is a concept developed by Daniel Goleman. He identified five components of emotional intelligence
Self-awareness
Self-regulation
Motivation
Empathy
Social Skills
Emotional Intelligence makes you healthier and more successful.
Emotional Intelligence is a balance between your emotional feeling brain, (Limbic System) and rational thinking brain (Prefrontal Cortex).
Schools today work very hard in supporting children and young people to develop these skills as well as academic progress. Raising an emotionally intelligent generation contributes to a more positive society.
I cannot remember being specifically taught emotional intelligence at school, it was not a part of the curriculum. I am glad that it is recognised as such an important part of my son and his generation’s education.
In school’s today we are having conversations about supporting emotional regulation, teaching growth mindset, making the links between our thoughts, feelings and actions. When we work together to develop positive behaviour management plans then professionals recognise the need for ‘connection before correction’.
If we can be self aware, regulate our emotions independently, then we can make positive choices.
If we can be motivated then we can achieve.
If we can be empathetic and have social skills, we can have healthy relationships.
With emotional intelligence, we are equipped to face the ups and downs, challenges and transitions that life holds for us.
Emotional intelligence, like growth mindset, need not be fixed. We can understand it, work on it and develop it.
It starts with us, the adults. The first step I advise either school staff, professionals or parents to take when responding to a child’s behaviour, check in with yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Because without doubt, it will affect they way you act and respond.
Watch this short video to learn more about emotional intelligence.
So you see, if we teach our children that we just want them to be happy, we are dismissing the whole spectrum of emotions we experience on a daily basis.
Better to teach that all feelings are normal, we can feel 100 different emotions in one day. Small feelings are okay, because they will pass and we have coping strategies to manage them. Big feelings that stay, like sadness, anxiety or anger can become a problem. This is when it is good to ask for help.
How do we support the connections that hard wire our children and young people’s brains to develop emotional intelligence?
Self awareness
The ability to recognise emotions as we experience them. I teach children and young people to recognise their emotions, by understanding the physical symptoms they experience inside their bodies that no-one else can see, and the behaviours that we can see. We label those feelings and identify triggers.
Example, anger, where inside your body do you experience it? In your stomach, in the tensing of your muscles, the heat that rises in our bodies, the increase in heart rate, the adrenalin that kicks in and makes us alert to every threat, the increase in the rate of our breathing, the instinct to fight, freeze or flight? What do people see? Raised voices, clenched fists, running away, punching walls, hurtful words, destruction or inflicting pain?
I teach that if we understand our emotions, then we can manage them. That if we develop confidence in ourselves to have control over our thoughts and feelings, then we can have control over our behaviours.
Self-regulation
The ability to stay in control as we experience powerful emotions. I teach children and young people that it is okay to have these powerful thoughts and feelings, it’s natural and human. What we hope to achieve is to be able to manage them, that with strategies and support they can feel in control over their emotions.
Example, when we feel overwhelmed with anxiety, how we can press pause, breathe, be conscious of our thoughts and feelings in that moment. How we can ground ourselves in the here and now and gain perspective, rather than overthinking or catastrophising. That by identifying the size of the problem, we can plan a rational response. We talk about how to bring our thinking brains back ‘online’ when our feelings brain takes over.
Motivation
How do emotions impact upon our motivation? Well, in many ways. How well do you focus when you are stressed? Often children and young people struggle to focus in school, they may appear distracted or hyper vigilant. Children do not always choose to behave this way, when they are distracted by emotions then it is impossible to focus on and complete tasks.
I teach how to set achievable targets and goals, so that when they meet their targets they grow in confidence. I explain to children and young people that they have control and they are the ones who can bring about change, not over any other person, but over themselves.
Empathy
Do you understand the difference between empathy and sympathy? Empathy will help your child feel connected to you. Sympathy or making false promises that everything is going to be okay will do the opposite and what you are doing is actually dismissing their feelings. Empathy validates, sympathy is akin to pity and will often bring about a defensive feeling or response and a disconnection.
Brene Brown captures it well in this video.
Social Skills
Communication, building positive relationships, managing conflict, confidence and working within a team. These are life skills that are helpful both in our personal and professional relationships. We sow the seeds of these skills when we engage in reciprocal play with infants and toddlers, as they grow we play turn taking games and encourage good manners. As parents we are modelling to our children all the time, how we problem solve, how we organise our lives.
I teach children and young people problem solving skills, how to communicate their thoughts and feelings appropriately and without communicating them through their behaviours. If they can articulate their needs, they can receive positive attention from the adults around them.
Practise recognising your own feelings
Pay attention to how you behave
Take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviour
Choose to respond, not react
Empathise
Make your environment positive and supportive
Be kind to yourself
Through emotion coaching I can support children and young people. I am also available to parents for advice, support, signposting and sometimes, just when you need to talk things through in a safe, confidential space.
Take time to be curious about their behaviour, but also your own.
Connect, take time in as well as time out.
Play, because it’s important for us as well as them, life is too serious.
Empathise, because it will bring you closer. You cannot fix everything, sometimes you can only walk alongside them, and that’s enough.
Reflect upon your own emotional intelligence, to support your child to develop their own.
