Reframing thoughts, and other Jedi mind tricks……

Cognitive reframing creates a different way of looking at a situation, or a problem, or a relationship or even a person.

Why is cognitive reframing my topic of choice for this Christmas blog? Simply because many of us might find it useful to reframe the way we see this year, and particularly this Christmas. I am sorry if you will not have the Christmas that you and your family wanted, but let’s try and see what we have, not that which we have not.

We manipulate images that we take on our cameras all the time, change filters, zoom in or out, photoshop and edit the image we want to view ourselves or present to others.

Think of reframing as experiencing something differently.

I reframe situations at home with my teen on a regular basis, example “Stop nagging me, you are always telling me what to do”. I don’t respond to this with a direct challenge, I reframe it for him, “I’m asking you to pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the washing basket, this is how I teach you to be an independent adult. I am not a nag, I am a good parent”. I usually then give a direct instruction with an expectation of compliance, “Put your clothes in the washing basket, thank you” and that tends to work, try it, and don’t ever say please.

It is common for teenagers to think their perspective is the only possible option, example, a friend does not respond to a text message means that they have fallen out with them. We can offer alternatives such as, she might be busy doing something with her family, she might have had her phone removed, she might be at hockey practice? Validate their feelings of anxiety, “It sounds like you are worried that you have upset her in some way, it is easy sometimes to think the worst, we can all think like that sometimes.”

Another strategy is to ask, what advice would you give to someone you care about? Would you say something different to what you tell yourself? Why is it so difficult to be that kind to yourself?

Identify the size of the problem, make it visual in a way that will engage your teen, if they like sports, is this a tennis ball size problem or a medicine ball size problem? If they are into Minecraft is this a weakness potion problem or a harming potion problem. I have learnt a lot about Minecraft over the years I have worked with young people. I have no interest in the game, but I can reframe this as this young person feels passionate about it, and by actively listening to them, I am showing that I care about them.

It is important to recognise that we assign meaning to situations, meaning based on our interpretation, values, beliefs and judgements. If something terrible has happened to you, this is because of your own perceptions and how you see it. We all have our own narratives.

To reframe means to change the meaning of it, change your feelings about it and change your experience of it.

Negative mindsets, unhelpful thinking styles and critical self talk all contribute to our overall health and mental wellbeing.

Unhelpful thinking, why is it so easy to stray to the dark side?

I teach that every negative thought, has a positive intention. It is a very human thinking style and that is why I prefer the term unhelpful thought to negative thought. We are not bad people for having unhelpful thoughts, it is natural.

The inner voice telling you “I’m terrible at Maths” can be reframed as “I find Maths more difficult than other subject, so I might need to spend more time / ask for more help / try harder”.

Teaching children and young people to identify unhelpful thoughts and challenge them is a tool we can equip them with throughout their lives into adulthood.

I encourage young people to first identify unhelpful thoughts. Once they can recognise them, then we can challenge them.

I talk about ‘taking the that thought to court’ and we can play act this process. I ask them to take the role of the defence for their thought and provide evidence, I play the role of the prosecution, with relish.

It can be helpful to journal or record persistent unhelpful thoughts and explore them, particularly if they surface at bedtime, or the middle of the night. record them, then ask yourself can I do anything about this thought right now? If not then come back to it in the morning light and try and reframe it.

Write down your feelings about the original thought, perhaps they might include anxiety, worry, dread, fear. Re-examine them when you have reframed the situation, what do you feel? Calmer, stronger, more confident, more positive?

Being stuck in an unhelpful thinking cycle can feel like taking on a whole army of unhelpful thoughts.

Identifying the unhelpful thinking styles, the individual thoughts and adapting the habit of reframing is a battle that can be won.

Aaron Beck identified what he called distorted thinking in the 1960s and it went on to form the principles of cognitive behavioural therapy. If you are interested in reading more than this is a good article to begin with Positive Psychology - Cognitive Distortions.

Over the years many unhelpful thinking styles have been identified, my personal go to is catastrophising, I know I tend to look at the worst possible outcome, I understand what my brain is doing and I know the strategies to apply that work for me, most of the time. If I can’t see it in the moment, my partner is adept in recognising my cognitive distortions and prompting me to use my strategies. I like to think I have taught him well rather than think he has a lot to put up with, see, reframing works.

Whether it is ‘labelling’, ‘should and musts’ or ‘all or nothing thinking’, spend some time recognising your unhelpful thinking styles and identifying strategies to challenge them. See how many you recognise below in this poster found at psychologytools.com

Our brains are complex, wonderful things, they are wired to protect us from threats and danger. Sometimes anxiety can set off what I call false alarms. If we examine our behaviours in life using the thoughts, feelings and behaviours model then we can see the thoughts and feelings that drive our behaviours, whether it is conscious or not.

Our brains can also make faulty or unhelpful connections, this is entirely natural and begins in our infancy. We can rewire our brains by reinforcing either the helpful, or unhelpful, negative or positive pathways.

For me Christmas has always been a time I spend with my large, wonderful, noisy and entertaining family. To be all together under one roof is a stretch now, but we did once spend Christmas together in a village hall so we could make that happen. This year I am not going to feel sad or mourn the fact that we cannot all be together. I am going to reframe my idea of Christmas to its simplest of meanings. For me that is loving, feeling loved, the comfort of homely things and not material items. Being warm, fed, content, safe and grateful.

I hope this Christmas you have everything you need.

I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

Thank you for your support this year. If you are having a very different holiday to the one you were expecting or hoping for, try to reframe it and see the blessings, be kind to yourself and stay safe.