I have long been interested in the concept of shame, and the behaviours attached to this emotion. My reading and research led me to academics like Brene Brown, who has published books and articles on the topic. You can find her blogs and a link to her recent podcast on her website Brene Brown - Shame-v-Guilt blog. It was Brene Brown who labelled shame as ‘the full contact emotion’, a description I think is apt.

Shame is an emotion where you might instantly recognise the physical symptoms. A sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, a flush of heat, some people even use the phrase ‘Dying inside’. Shame can cause actual physical pain.

Shame’s intentions are good. The reason we have the emotion of shame is to help us to understand what we shouldn’t do, as it’s bad for us, and what we should do, because it’s good for us.

For example, when we are young and parents shout out loudly “Don’t run across that road”, or “Be careful, there’s a car coming” or “Watch out, we are in a busy car park” whilst juggling a trolley full of shopping, a baby strapped in the trolley and a toddler holding onto their leg. The feeling we get when we are shouted at to stop, that’s shame. We feel horrible in that moment and we don’t like the feeling so we try not to do the thing that caused our parents to shout at us and give us that unpleasant feeling again. This whole process is called the socialisation process, and without it we wouldn’t learn how to be in the world.

The important part of this socialisation process is that the parent repairs the relationship automatically. The car get’s loaded full of shopping, the children are strapped in the car. The parent turns the radio on and says, “I’m sorry for shouting, the car park was busy and you must stay close to me when we cross the road”. The child is comforted, the bad feeling goes away and everyone moves on.

As part of our childhood development we go through the socialisation process over and over again until the feelings of shame become less intense. We begin to understand guilt and accept responsibility for our actions. We learn that our actions affect others, develop empathy and make amends.

Feelings linked to shame include embarrassment,  humiliation, sadness, guilt, fear, regret, worry, loss of self respect and anger. The difference between them and shame is that shame makes us look inwards and view our entire self in a negative light. Feelings of guilt or embarrassment, in contrast, result from a concrete action for which we accept responsibility. Guilt causes us to focus our attention on the feelings of others. Brene Brown talks about guilt as being a helpful emotion, whereas shame leads us to believe we are unworthy and flawed.

These feelings make us uncomfortable, think about the cycle of thoughts, feelings and actions. How does shame lead us to act? Or feel about ourselves?

Typical responses to shame include

• Lie - “I didn’t do it”

• Blame others - “It’s his fault”

• Minimise - “It wasn’t that bad”

• Rage - “You always blame me, I’m rubbish”

We call these four responses the “Shield of Shame”.

When working with teenagers in schools I might hear professionals say, “They never take responsibility for their actions”. They may describe behaviours to me and I can quickly link triggers with responses.

If they perceive that they have been criticised in front of others.

If they perceive that they are disliked or unwanted.

If they perceive that you are disappointed in them.

If they perceive that they aren’t good enough, smart enough or worth the effort.

Often being unable to manage intense feelings of shame is at the root, adolescents feel shame in a much stronger way than adults.

I have in 1:1 sessions introduced young people to the idea of the Shield of Shame. We have made shields and swords, and various other pieces of body armour out of cardboard to illustrate it. We have leapt around classrooms, taking it in turns to poke each other with the sword (the trigger) and defend ourselves with our shield (behaviour response). Not only did we laugh, but this role play helps to understand our responses. I know that my response if unchecked, is to blame or minimise. Often, the child’s is rage. Each and every one of us will have used one or more of these responses. For a young person who’s behaviours escalate rapidly when challenged, then shame is often the root cause. This is why it matters how we challenge children and young people.

As a parent you can use strategies to support your child.

Focus on the behaviour and not the child. Instead of “You are horrible for saying that” say “We use kind words in this family”.

Develop their emotional literacy. Instead of “You’re really naughty for lying to me” say “I feel disappointed, you told a lie”.

Model behaviours. Children watch and learn from the adults in their lives. If you can regulate your emotions, show consistency between what you say and what you do then that is what they will learn. If we shame them, even unintentionally, it communicates that we demand kind words from them and set limits and consequences when they don’t act this way, but adults can be unkind.

Avoid labelling. The sporty one, the naughty one, the wild one, the shy one. Teach them growth mindset and that they can be anything.

There are no comparisons. Children develop in different ways and at different rates.

Allow them to learn through mistakes, make mistakes okay, and use them for learning.

When they lose control, stay in control for them.

Allow them to be vulnerable, we all have feelings, we all have mental health.

In a state of shame,  emotional and physical responses kick in. Shame triggers the survival system to either

Fight – so some children (and adults) start to shout, scream, cry or even lash out.

Flight – there is a strong urge to hide or run away.

Freeze – rooted to the spot, immobilised which if it goes on for too long can lead to a ‘shutdown’.

NO LEARNING is possible in any of these SURVIVAL states.

Remember the 4 Rs

Regulate

Before you do anything, support regulation, help them feel calm and safe. They may need time alone to do this with minimal input, or they may need help. They may need direction, “Calm down and then we will talk about it”, or they may need proximity, “Here, I am with you, let me help you feel calm”.

Relate

Validate their feelings using simple words and a calm tone. “I can see you are upset, I can see you are struggling”. Focus on your connection.

Reason

When the child is calm, then is the time to reason, discuss choices made and limits and boundaries. Reassure them it is the behaviour that is unacceptable, not them.

Repair

Teach the child how to move on, “You made the wrong choice, you have said sorry, now we move on and make it right”.

Unlike ordinary shame, toxic, internalised shame can linger. Shame grows, and guilt is unable to develop.

• It can hide in our unconscious, so that we’re unaware that we have shame.

• When we experience shame, it lasts much longer.

• The feelings and pain associated with shame are deeper.

• Our own thoughts can cause feelings of shame without any external trigger.

• The shame can spiral and cause feelings of hopelessness, despair or even depression.

• It causes shame anxiety — the fear of experiencing shame.

• It creates voices, images, or beliefs originating in childhood and builds a shame story about you.

• It creates deep feelings of inadequacy.

• The shame that may have developed through trauma, abuse or adverse early experiences can be so deeply buried, we may not link it with the shame we experience day to day.

For professionals the relationship you have with the child is key. Connection before and after is very important. Make sure you repair as much as you can when things do go wrong. If a child feels that they are so bad and no-one wants to be around them they can become stuck in feelings of toxic shame for longer.

Choose your words carefully with these children. When you over emphasise something they’ve done it can push them further into that place of shame., language that makes them feel accepted is better.

Acceptance is powerful, the message that they are wanted and part of your school, home or centre.

You can read more on this topic from these sources. I find it helpful when I reflect on my own behaviours and responses. I consider how I have parented in the past and how I will try to parent in the future, how I continue to work with children and young people.

How do you experience shame?

Hey Sigmund - How to Avoid Shaming

The Natural Child Project - "Good" children - at what price?